I decided the other night while perusing the bookshelves to read a short excerpt from C.S. Lewis every evening with Eliot. It allows me to have one "adult" moment in the day when I can consider my faith and think about something besides diapers and baby food... so far it's been refreshing, like a drink of water in a dry land.
I ran into this passage today:
"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)
There's a lot of changes going on in my life, some large, some subtle and some that are not yet here but will be soon (moving, etc). One major change has been Lammytown, my mommy group online, which had some drama involving just a few members which caused the person who started the group leaving it and threatening to shut it down, leaving us all in emotional upheaval. These are the women that I have shared mommyhood with since October 2009... and seeing some of them leave in a huff without much explanation has been hard. Even harder still is that they tried to make us choose between their new group and our old one, which is just immature, unfair, and completely ridiculous (we've got much bigger fish to fry than mama drama!). So... the group is healing and moving on without said people, which probably will be better in the end. But it's been a hard couple of days dealing with the thought of losing this group of people I've come to know so well.
I'm also facing the idea of leaving our home when Eliot gets a job, as it likely won't be here that he finds it (though God can perform miracles, certainly!). The very thought of moving away from my family, friends, and house makes me queasy and downright sad. Add that to my cabin fever from the cold weather and 6 months of interrupted sleep and you have... well...
I know that God is building something I just can't see yet. In the online group, in our family, in my life. And it's going to be BEAUTIFUL. I'm going to hold onto that.
Meanwhile, I'll keep spending a few moments a day with C.S. Lewis and go from there.