Today I finally did it... I went through my pre-pregnancy clothes and got rid of all the things I will likely never fit into again. It was hard, emotional really, to admit to myself that my body has just changed in a permanent way and that I will never again be the same shape I used to be. It was worth it... yes, definitely worth it. But hard none the less.
I think it's the first time in awhile I've been honest with myself about what I really weight and how breastfeeding might not get me back to my pre-pregnancy weight (or lower, as I'd hoped). I may just be this size. I would like to lose another 10lbs or so just to be healthier, and that might happen... but the way my body has changed will likely not let me ever squeeze into those size 6 jeans again. I'm holding onto my favorite pair just in case... but I have no real hopes that it will happen.
Being a momma means giving up yourself. Not entirely, mind you. I am still the person who loves gardening, singing, dancing, organizing, planning, traveling, etc, and I hope to pass those things onto my children. But it does mean saying goodbye to many things that were a fixture in my life (free time, hot meals, sleep, my figure, going out whenever I please) and saying hello to sleepless nights, hunger pains (James gets to eat first!), endless laundry, responsibility, and more rounds of singing "Personal Penguin" than I'd ever imagined.
It also means saying hello to laughter, cuddles, giggles, little arms reaching up towards me, watching new talents develop, and a little person who smiles each time he sees me. Joy.
I'd gladly give up my size 6 figure any day to just hold my son.
And so it begins, a new era of my life where I live less for myself than ever before. I've never been happier.