Most of the time I try to stay positive here on the blog, telling about the positive things the kids are doing and how much I love being with them everyday (which is the absolute truth). But taking care of two little kids is by far the most demanding, exhausting, thankless job I've ever had and I am feeling a bit run down because of it, both emotionally and physically. I heard this song by Tenth Avenue North on the radio this evening and it pretty much sums up how I'm feeling...
"I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/tenth-avenue-north-worn-lyrics.html ]
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes."
I've had some pretty difficult days in the past few months, and with Ellie up every 2-3 hours at night (well, she has one good stretch from 6-10:30pm) and with me being the only one feeding her most of the time since I am breastfeeding, I reach a breaking point every two weeks or so when I completely melt down, sobbing hysterically. I think it comes from severe sleep deprivation... I rarely complete a sleep cycle, and am almost always woken up from a deep sleep with Ellie's shrill cry. And so this sleep deprivation has been like a fog settling in my mind... I have a harder time seeing the joys and instead am irritable and act like a zombie trying to just "get through the day."
But then James says something super cute, or Ellie laughs or gives me a huge grin and all that fades away and my heart swells with happiness that I get to be the one here for all these moments, to watch them hit all their milestones, to share their discoveries of the world and teach them all about it. I dance with James around the living room, holding his hands and swirling him around while he laughs and laughs... I watch Ellie giggle and smile as I sing to her in the bath... I watch James, all on his own, decide to hold his sister's hand, give her a kiss, or bring her a toy he thinks she'll love. THESE things keep me going. THIS is my paycheck, my reward, my gift from my Creator.
And so I will continue to slog through this time, looking for blessings wherever I can find them because I am incredibly, immeasurably loved by the One who made me... that is the only explanation I have for why I have the strength to go on each day and for why I was given the opportunity to see these two little people grow up before my eyes.
So every day the fog lifts, and suddenly there is sun streaming down again, reminding me that it was there all the time even when I couldn't see it. I know this period of time will end, and eventually I will even miss it... because my babies are not going to be babies for long, and they won't always need me like they do now. Never in my life has something been so reassuring and so heartbreaking at the same time.